Anna Lucas
Extension Specialist for 4-H Youth Development Education
4-H Programs
212 Scovell Hall, UK, Lexington KY 40546-0644
phone: (859) 257-5961
email: alucas@uky.edu

COMMON COURTESIES AND ACCEPTED PRACTICES
Activities and Learning Experiences

Purpose
The major goal of this series of lessons and activities is to develop awareness of 4-H members and youth to the importance of respect and consideration of others and to develop skills that will help them guide them toward success and satisfaction in life activities and relationships with others.

Objectives

• To help youth feel more confident in their everyday relationships with other people and in various family, social and work situations.
• To develop a greater awareness of the importance of manners and basic consideration of others to success in life.
• To help develop self-esteem and leadership qualities in young people.

Description
Etiquette refers to rules that are developed by various cultures to define accepted behavior dealing with how people should treat one another and behave in social situations. These guidelines are used to build a network of common courtesies and accepted practices that guide us through the vents and relationship in our everyday lives.

Good manners are like magic! They help you get and keep friends and provide a framework for dealing more easily with difficult or uncomfortable situations. An added bonus is that good manners don't cost anything. You can have the very best quality for free!

You're never too young or too old to show thoughtfulness and consideration to others. Etiquette consultants are thriving and books on manners are selling well because informed people know that manners make a difference. In addition questions may arise on such things as protocol for extended families, using answering machines at home and at work and etiquette for electronic mail (netiquette).

Manners help to:

• Maintain order and promote positive interactions between people.
• Put people at ease and impress others.
• Build self-esteem.
• Show respect and consideration to others.
• Allow people to live and work together without friction.
• Make you stand out from the crowd.
• Be more attentive to others.
• Feel more comfortable in all situations.

• •Consider these top five assets that youth identify as being important to their ability to be successful:
• Family Support - Kids feel loved and supported in their family
• Parents As Social Resources - Kids turn to parents for advice and support
• Parent Communication - Kids have frequent, in-depth conversations with parents on a variety of topics. Parents have time to talk seriously with their kids
• Other Adult Resources - Kids have other adults besides their parents they can turn to for advice and support
• Other Adult Communication - Kids have frequent, in-depth conversations with adults who are not their parents

Consider the multiplier effect of involving leaders in helping select, design and deliver programs.

Consider the importance of this topic for youth, but also, what adults can learn through leader training and being given an opportunity to lead.

Consider what adults can learn from youth who have been involved in meaningful, hands-on experiences.

This series of lessons are designed to meet specific needs, such as writing thank you notes, as well as being appropriate to use in a sequence of several lessons. When done as set of lessons, the materials will cover the basics of manners and etiquette for day to day contact at home, school, community and the work place.

While written with examples and experiences for a wide range of youth ages, it can be quickly recognized that the information covered is important to people of all ages. This information can be taught to adults by:

• working with parents who can then teach their children
• have joint programs with families to teach youth and adults together
• give the 4H'ers specific follow-up lesson activities to do when they get home
• invite parents to a celebration at the end of the series of lessons

EFFECTIVE TEACHING
Good manners and etiquette are the results of learning by doing. An opportunity to practice re-enforces the knowledge and skill and can help the individual become more comfortable with using correct manners. It will take time for items new to youth and adults to become a natural part of everyday life.

The most effective teaching is based on hands-on experiences that are then discussed and applied to other situations. It helps to create an atmosphere for youth to also use the process themselves to think about additional applications when they are involved in other learning experiences. This process may be most effective done in a group setting with a teen or adult volunteer skilled in using this method. This may take some advance planning with specific questions in mind until it become a natural part of the teaching.

The following outline can be used to develop, select and alter questions specific to the learning experience.

How It Works

DO. . .
1. Experience

REFLECT. . .
2. Share

• What did you do?
• What happened?
• How did you feel...?
• What was most difficult? Easiest?

• What problems or issues seemed to occur over and over?
• What similar experience(s) have you had?

APPLY. . .
4. Generalize

• What did you learn about yourself through this activity?
• What did you learn about making decisions?
• How do the major themes or ideas relate to real life and not just the activity?
• How did you go about making your decision?

• How can you apply what you learned to a new situation?
• How will the issues raised by this activity be useful in the future?
• How will you act differently in the future as a result of this activity?

Preparation for the workforce is a continual process. Some specific areas identified by the Secretary of Labor's commission that this program may impact are listed below:

• Interpersonal skills: working on teams teaching others, serving customers, leading, negotiating, and working well with people from culturally diverse backgrounds;
• Systems: understanding social and organizational system;
• Personal qualities; individual responsibility, self-esteem, sociability, self-management and integrity

Life Skills
A life skill is a learned ability to do something well. Life skills are defined as skills that help an individual to be successful in living a productive and satisfying life.

Life skills related to 4-H can be listed in this manner:

4-H Clover	Categories of Life Skills
Head	Thinking, managing
Heart	Relating, caring
Hands	Working, giving
Health	Being, living

This educational program can impact specific skills under these categories:

Being	Self-esteem, self-responsibility, character, managing feelings, self-discipline
Caring	Nurturing relationships, sharing, empathy, concern for others
Relating		Accepting differences, conflict resolution, social skills, cooperation, communication
Thinking		Decision making
Living	Stress management

KERA
This program relates specifically to two goals of education reform that are not included in the states academic assessment program. They are:
Goal 3: Students shall develop their abilities to become self-sufficient individuals
Goal 4: Students shall develop their abilities to become responsible members of a family, work group or community, including demonstrating effectiveness in community service.

LESSON DESCRIPTION AND OUTLINE
This teaching guide covers some of the common courtesies and accepted practices that we most often face in our everyday lives. An introductory section focuses n special considerations for working with youth and 4-H groups. This is an ideal age to work with pre-teens and teens since they are becoming more aware of how others view their behavior and the effect that this may have on their lives. These skills also help to prepare them for greater success as they enter into extended social networks and the work force.

Ten 45-minutes lessons are outlined in this teaching guide. These lessons cover a variety of topics designed to help develop awareness in the importance of manners and basic consideration to others in everyday living. Skills in these courtesies and practices can then be used with family, friends and others at home, at school, through work, when shopping or when meeting with community, church, work or school-related groups and social organizations.

Lessons include:

• Introductions: Making a Good First Impression
• Telephone and Answering Machine Skills
• Writing Letters; Netiquette
• Conversation: What To Talk About, Listening, "Magic" Words
• Giving and Receiving Compliments
• Quiet Places and Public Spaces...Appropriate Behavior For Various Events
• Sportsmanship, Showing Respect and Consideration To Others
• Table Manners...Eating In and Dining Out
• Setting the Table For Family Meals
• Fast Food Service and "Strange" Foods At Fancy Places
• Ordering From a Waiter; Tipping
• Visiting Friends and Having Friends Visit
• What To Say To Friends and Relatives Who Are Ill
• Manners For Job Interviews
• Manners On the Job

Each lesson begins with the concept(s) to be taught during that segment, an outline of topics covered during the lesson, suggested discussion questions and suggested activities and visuals. Much of the information included in these lessons actually applies to all age levels. Simply adapt the activities and discussion to the age level and life experiences of the participants with whom you are working. Good manners and thoughtful, considerate behavior applies to all ages. As you are presenting various parts of each lesson, discuss and analyze the various points presented and then relate these principles to other real-world situations and interests that the participants may encounter.

Teaching suggestions and selected content from the University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension programs on Etiquette for Everyday Living and K.I.C.K.S. (Kids Into Courtesy, Kindness & Smiles) have been included within the various lessons along with many new learning activities and teaching resources. Suggested videos and activities are listed within each lesson segment as an aid for reinforcing etiquette skills that become part of our social and workforce network.

Project Developed and Written by:
Linda Adler, Extension Home Furnishings Specialist, University of Kentucky
Anna Lucas, Extension Specialist for 4-H and Youth Development Education, University of Kentucky
Carolyn Royalty, County Extension Agent for Home Economics, Mercer County Extension Service, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service

Special thank you to:
Jan Peyton, Family Resource and Youth Center Director, Harlow Elementary School, Harrodsburg, Kentucky, for contribution of ideas and support of K.I.C.K.S. educational program.
Kathy Roesel, County Extension Agent for Home Economics, Kenton County Extension Service, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service, for review of materials.

Teaching Resources
Many references and visual teaching resources can be used to assist in teaching manners. A listing of extension resources, suggested videos and other teaching aids used with these lessons is given below. New items will be added as need and interest indicates. Add other resources and ideas to this listing as you discover additional teaching aids. (A complete lesson outline and teaching guide is available from Linda Adler, 300 Erikson Hall, UK, Lexington, KY 40546-0050. Phone: 606-257-7775 or email: lreece@uky.edu )

Extension Publications and Educational Materials:

Specifically for leaders	K.I.C.K.S. Teaching Outline Etiquette For Everyday Living, Teaching Outline Evaluation
Specifically for Members	What's Your Etiquette I. Q.? (Quiz)
For leaders and/or members	Fact Sheet Series, including: Etiquette for Everyday Living Table Manners To Take You Anywhere The Art Of Tipping Weekend Guests-Entertaining and Being Entertained Keeping In Touch With Others K.I.C.K.S. camera ready publications: Making Introductions Talking To Others Writing Letters Having Friends Visit Eating Away From Home Words Used On Menu Descriptions Work Force Preparation Manners At Work Manners At Work, Teaching Guide
Other publications and resources	EFNEP Publication 4JN-0450, Mealtime Manners 4-H Home Environment Project 41a-01PO

Videos
Videos are available for loan from the Agricultural Communications Instructional Video Library, c/o Librarian, 19 Scovell Hall, University of Kentucky 40546. Descriptions and information for ordering personal copies of these suggested lesson materials are given below.

• Everyday Telephone Manners. Call this telephone etiquette, communications protocol or just plain good manners, but it's an everyday skill that's needed by anyone using the telephone. Some of the topics covered include: How to handle wrong numbers; how to answer the phone; what information you should NOT give over the phone; talking to answering machines; the art of taking and making messages; and a telephone voice-your personality in a wire. Over a dozen dramatic and often humorous re-enactments of telephone annoyances, pitfalls, foul-ups and irritations teach how to smooth electronic communication. 20 minutes. $89.00. Order from Karol Video or the Learning Seed.
• Etiquette Hotline: Table Manners. Etiquette and table manners have been "out" for many years. Now there's a new wave of interest in etiquette. Viewers eavesdrop on a fictional Etiquette Hotline as distressed callers query the experts on proper table manners. Covers questions such as: Should men still hold doors open for women, is it OK to share food in a restaurant, how can I eat soup without sounding like a vacuum cleaner, what's the rule on tipping at restaurants and much more. 23 minutes. Ages 12 to adult. Copyright, 1993. $89.00. Order from Nasco, Karol Media or the Learning Seed.
• Good Manners. Viewers re-examine what good manners are and look at situations where they can be practiced and applied in common living situations such as when making introductions, eating at home or in public and visiting public places. 7:13 minutes. Ages 12 to adult. Copyright, 1990. $45.00. Order from Nasco.
• In Your Face: Why Courtesy and Respect. Whatever happened to courtesy, respect and sportsmanship? Is courtesy for wimps? This video contends that courtesy (which means respect for others) is basic to civilization. You see professional athletes fight like kids, show little respect for opponents and throw tantrums over "bad calls." Is sportsmanship an outdated idea? Teach "defensive courtesy:" as a way to escape aggressive drivers who turn freeways into free-for-alls. Viewers learn to stand up for their rights while still showing courtesy and respect. They also learn how to avoid attach/defend cycles that turn minor disputes into potential blow-ups and much more. Other scenarios, including skateboarding, settling restaurant bills and other common situations, are shown followed by a discussion break. 22 minutes. $89.00. Order from Karol Media or the Learning Seed.
• Paper Plates to Silver Spoons: The Complete guide To Table Manners. Viewers see the benefits of learning proper techniques so that they become natural, rather than using correct manners only on special occasions. Discusses meal settings, utensils, the steps of a meal, good posture, how to hold and use utensils, the steps of a meal, good posture, how to hold and use utensils and how to be prepared for conversation. 30 minutes. $39.95. Order from Karol Video.
• Manners At Work. Knowledge of etiquette is now recognized as a basic business skill. This video shows etiquette as a social invention with power to smooth rough edges in human interaction. Common sense good manners is a career asset as well as a way to build confidence. 18 minutes. $89.00. Order from the Learning Seed.

Other Teaching Aids
The following teaching aids are available from Linda Adler, 300 Erikson Hall, University of Kentucky 40506. (Total of 4 sets each are available for loan to counties.) Telephone: 606-257-7775 or e-mail: lreece@uky.edu Descriptions and information for ordering personal copies are given below.

Posters.
"Easy Manners For Every Day." Teaches students basic manners that will strengthen their interpersonal skills and enhance their everyday lives. This set of 18 posters and 30 photocopy masters helps young people see the importance of polite behavior in all their relationships. Each 11 x 17 poster features a full-color illustration of people in familiar settings using either good or bad manners. A brief commentary explains whether or not the behavior shown is an appropriate way to handle the situation. Recommended for grades 7 - 12. Copyright, 1991. $37.95. Order from Nasco. World Wide Web Site: Http://www.nascofa.com and e-mail address: info@nascofa.com

Games.
The K.I.C.K.S. Game. This question and answer game teaches good manners and makes learning etiquette fun. Any number can play-large groups can be divided into teams. One person is needed as scorekeeper and one person is needed for asking the questions. Participants must correctly answer questions in order to score points.

Other
"Let's Set the Table" mat. A learning tool to enhance table setting skills. Laminated, reversible, 17 ½" x 11 ½" mat features two different table settings, side one for breakfast and side two for dinner. $4.00. Order from Nasco.

Suggested Books For Your Bookshelf
There are many books available in bookstores on library shelves dealing with manners and etiquette. Listed below are two good references directed specifically toward youth.

*Packer, Alex J. How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out. Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 400 First Avenue North, Suite 616, Minneapolis, MN 55401-1730. 1997. Paperback. $19.95.

Most etiquette books are preachy, boring and dull. This one keeps you smiling as you learn the basics of polite behavior in all kinds of situations. This book is a veritable encyclopedia of etiquette that deals with etiquette in today's world. It has comprehensive common-sense advice on issues that matter to teens.

*Hartley, Fred. The Teenage Books of Manners...Please! Barbour Books, P. O. Box 1219, Westwood, New Jersey 07675. 1991. $9.97.

Presents etiquette information in a pleasing, nonthreatening format. Illustrations help keep the tone light while the text provides basic information on dating, restaurant manners, classroom manners, party manners and more.

Lasr Revised: 8/1/00
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